Stepparents


Shelly just knew. When her father took her to their favorite coffee
shop for what he called a "very important talk," Shelly's instincts told
her that her dad was getting married again. After he broke the news to
her, though, Shelly's father surprised her by asking how she felt about
having a stepmother.

Shelly didn't have an immediate answer. Her father's announcement
triggered a range of emotions — a little jealousy about her father's new
wife, lingering sadness over her parents' divorce 3 years before, and
feelings of insecurity over just where she fit into her dad's new life.
Shelly realized she hadn't really thought about the day-to-day realities
of having a stepmom — or being a stepdaughter, for that matter.

Lots of Shelly's ninth-grade friends have stepparents. After all,
statistics show that one third of all children are likely to spend some
time in a stepfamily while growing up. Like anyone with a TV, Shelly had
seen her share of pop culture stereotypes, ranging from the
disinterested, self-absorbed stepmother to the overeager one who tries
too hard. She wondered how it would be for her.

When a Stepparent Enters the Picture



In some families, new adults and kids seem to slip in effortlessly,
as though they have been there all along. Everyone gets along well — one
big happy family, just like on "The Brady Bunch."

But some families brought together through marriage can be so
different that the best everyone can do is grit their teeth and work
extremely hard to get through a weekend together.

Building a relationship with a stepparent can be quite different from
building other new relationships. After all, when you meet a new friend
or love interest, you are the one deciding if that person will have a
role in your life. You get to introduce these new people into your life
gradually, taking time to decide how they fit and how you really feel
about them.

A stepparent is different; he or she is someone your mom or dad has
invited into the family. Sometimes a stepparent can feel like a stranger
who is suddenly inserted into the most personal aspects of your life.
The pressure to get along can be intense.





Because everyone's situation is different, there are no easy answers
to accepting a stepparent. Some people find themselves with new
stepparents after a parent has died, others after parents have divorced.
Some parents take years to meet and marry other people; some remarry
almost immediately.

When a parent remarries, you may find yourself with an instant family
of stepsiblings or, eventually, with younger half-brothers or
half-sisters.

Although every family is different, there are some things that can help you deal with a new stepparent.Dealing With Feelings



One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to
recognize that you'll have plenty of feelings about your new situation,
and some of these may conflict. For example, even when someone likes a
new stepparent, it's natural to feel some pangs that this new person is
"replacing" a beloved parent in some way.

Change — good or bad — is difficult. Even if you don't have negative
feelings about the new person in your family, you may have very strong
feelings about the changes a stepparent is creating.

At some point, you're probably going to feel confused, conflicted
about your loyalties, angry, and possibly sad. Here are a couple of
things to try that may help put your feelings into focus:

• Keep a journal. Write down the changes in your life and how you feel about them.
  
• Seek support from a friend. Some of your close,
  trusted friends may have their own stepparent experiences that can help
  you feel you're not alone. Friends also can share tips on what they did
  in situations similar to yours — everything from sharing a room with a
  new stepsibling to juggling computer time. Even if your friends'
  situations are different (just because your best friend doesn't get
  along with his or her stepparents, that's not a hard and fast rule for
  anyone else), it always helps to have a sympathetic ear.
  
• Talk to your parent or another trusted adult about how you're feeling.
  It's important to share your fears, feelings, and frustrations with an
  adult you trust — no matter how crazy you may think these feelings are.
  Don't be afraid that something you say will cause hurt feelings or make
  you seem like a problem. An adult who loves you will want to help.
  

If your parent seems overly involved in the new relationship and you
don't feel comfortable talking to him or her, then look for a group at
school or in your community where you can vent. Or talk to a teacher or a
guidance counselor about what's going on in your life. Mental health
professionals, such as social workers or therapists, are trained to help
people sort out the conflicting mix of feelings that can accompany a
parent's remarriage.

Entering a stepparent situation can be particularly challenging for
teens. Feeling like your family life has been disrupted can be
especially difficult because of all the other changes that take place
during the teenage years — everything from the emotional growth involved
in becoming an adult to the hormonal changes triggered by puberty. If
you find that your new situation has left you feeling sad most of the
time or you just can't shake the blues, you may want to talk to a doctor
or therapist.Facing the Realities



So what can you do to adjust to the daily realities of living with a
stepparent? Instead of worrying about the "what ifs" and the inevitable
changes, talk to your mom or dad about what to expect before your new
stepparent joins the family. That way, you can be prepared for what lies
ahead. For example, figure out ahead of time what to call your
stepparent. Ask about stepsiblings and things like if you have to share a
room now. Ask about holiday plans and who's giving presents to whom. If
your house is about to explode with new people, find out how this
affects you and that spare room where you listen to music.

Don't be afraid to ask questions as they come to mind. Your parents
and new stepparent might not have thought about the things you're asking
either, so there's an opportunity to explore options together. And if
there's something you absolutely don't want to change, try to negotiate.
For example, if you and your dad always go fishing over Thanksgiving
but your mom made plans for you to spend the holiday with her new
husband's family, she might not realize how important the fishing trip
is to you.

What about those times when you flat out disagree with a stepparent?
You'll have a better chance of getting what you want if you disagree
without disrespect.

Explain your feelings calmly and rationally. For example, if you have
a new half-brother or -sister and you feel like you're constantly being
expected to babysit at the last minute, talk it over with your
stepparent before the situation gets to the stage where you feel taken
advantage of. Present your side — maybe you have to study for a test or
you already made plans with friends and they're relying on you. Then
listen to the other person's perspective.

If you're particularly mad about something, it can feel hard not to
lose control. But managing your anger and taking extra care to choose
respectful language will help your stepparent see you for the mature
person you are, not as a child.

Find a way to get to know the new stepparent in your life. Suggest a
bike ride or go to a movie together. It may not be easy, but you can use
the same relationship and communication skills you would use to make
anyone feel welcome. It may help to remember that your stepparent is
walking into a new situation, too. He or she could feel just as nervous
and confused as you do.

Expect some rough spots. You know that establishing a good
relationship takes time. Your new life won't always be smooth, so be
ready to make some compromises. The good thing is, the ups and downs of
adjusting to a new family situation can offer some really great life
lessons. Many people look back on their experiences getting to know new
family members and realize they learned some great relationship (and
negotiating!) skills in the process.

Remind yourself that every situation is different. There's no real
script for a new family that's being pulled together from all sorts of
directions. Be open to lots of possibilities. And savor the good
moments. Although change is often difficult, it can be good, too.

Three months after her dad remarried, Shelly was beginning to enjoy
the time she spent with her father and stepmother. She couldn't help but
see how happy her dad was — especially when the three of them did
things together. And when she needed some alone time for just the two of
them, she and her dad headed to the coffee shop. Despite all the
changes in their lives, some things didn't change between Shelly and her
dad — like the fact he thought there was way too much sugar and
caffeine in the frozen mocha cappuccino and always made her pick
something else.