My Friend Has HIV. How Can I Help?


More than 1 million people in the United States have HIV. So you
might know a friend (or relative of a friend) who's living with it.

Since people can get the virus through unprotected sex or drug use,
teens who have HIV may feel embarrassed and want to keep the issue very
private. That means they might feel alone, isolated, and frightened at
times. More than anything, they need good friends like you to lean on
and trust.




First, Learn the Facts



If you just found out a friend has HIV, you'll want to know what it
is and what it isn't. It's a disease that's surrounded by a lot of
rumors and misinformation.

HIV stands for human immunodeficiency virus. The
virus affects a key part of the body's immune system that fights
infectious diseases. That's why people with HIV can get serious
infections — their immune systems lose the power to fight off disease.

A big concern for most people is that HIV can develop into a disease called acquired immunodeficiency syndrome — better known as AIDS. But not everyone with HIV will develop AIDS.

Hundreds of teens in the United States become infected with HIV every
year through unprotected sex or needle sharing. Others have been born
to mothers who were infected — although thanks to new treatments, fewer
babies are born with HIV these days. Because of blood testing, it's now
extremely rare for someone in the United States to get HIV through a
blood transfusion.

Thanks to new treatments, people living with HIV live longer,
healthier lives than ever before. There's still no cure, though. And
people infected with the virus have to be careful not to take risks
(like unprotected sex) that could expose others to the disease.

That brings us to the next important thing to know: You can't get HIV
from the kind of casual contact you'd have with a friend, like sharing a
glass, kissing on the cheek, hugging, or shaking hands


When a Friend Confides in You



If a friend tells you he or she has HIV, it's a sign of trust. It's
important to reassure your friend that you will not break that trust by
telling others. HIV is a medical condition, so it's personal, private
health information.

Don't be afraid to ask your friend questions. Your interest and
support can help your friend feel less self-conscious or less
embarrassed. If your friend doesn't feel like talking, don't push it. Do
some online research — but be sure to pick reputable sites, like the
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) or the AIDS.gov site.

In some cases, you may believe that a friend or a friend's family
member has HIV even though you haven't been told that. If that's the
case, wait until your friend feels ready to talk — don't ask. Instead,
take opportunities to speak in a positive, supportive way about people
in the media or movies living with HIV so your friend knows you won't
judge him or her.

Help Your Friend Feel Less Isolated and Less Stressed Out



Sadly, there's still a lot of false information out there about HIV.
Teens living with HIV may worry that others will avoid or discriminate
against them. Your friend may feel very self-conscious and might not
want other friends or classmates to find out.

If your friend doesn't want other people to know, your support and
caring will be more important than ever. Stress can affect the immune
system, so your friend will need someone to confide in and talk to.

Don't be afraid to ask how your friend is feeling or talk about what
it's like to have HIV when you're alone together. Pretending like
nothing's happened won't make everything better, and avoiding the topic
may lead your friend to think you're ashamed too. It might help to ask,
"Do you feel like talking about it?" Don't focus too much on your
friend's health, though — when people feel good, they might not want to
be reminded about health issues.

It's natural for teens living with HIV (and the people who care about
them) to feel sadness, anger, and a range of other emotions. If things
seem to be too much for your friend to handle, a therapist, counselor,
or other mental health professional may be able to help. Support groups
and ministries can also be great support resources.Therapy and Counseling



Finding the right support can help protect teens living with HIV from
becoming depressed or getting stressed out and using drugs or alcohol
to feel better.

It can be hard to bring up the subject of therapy or counseling. You
could try saying, "I've noticed you seem really sad [or angry, or
whatever emotion you've noticed] recently and I'm worried about you. I
know you have a lot to deal with. Have you thought about talking to a
counselor?"

If you've ever had counseling, you can mention how much it helped you
— by opening up with your own personal information, it can help your
friend feel less intimidated by the idea of this type of support. It's
most helpful if you can be specific by providing a name and number of a
counselor or group. Or, suggest your friend ask a doctor or nurse
practitioner. Follow up to see if your friend needs help getting to an
appointment.

A local health clinic or hospital can give you information about
counseling services or support groups for people living with HIV/AIDS.
Just be careful not to reveal the name of the person you are getting the
information for, especially when you ask friends or family members for
recommendations.

Stand Up for Your Friend



If classmates or other people know your friend has HIV, they may be
wary and might not want to participate in activities together. Your
friend may even get teased or bullied — which is one reason why people
with HIV often don't want to tell others about their condition.

Of course, your first instinct is to defend your friend. The best way
to do it is not to get mad or hostile towards bullies, no matter how
mean they may seem. Understand (and reassure your friend) that these
people are probably just ignorant about HIV. They may even believe some
of the myths and lies about the virus. Try to educate them. You can set a
strong example with your own small actions, such eating lunch with your
friend every day or partnering with him or her in PE or science.

If things get mean, don't hesitate to involve a teacher or other
adult who knows about your friend's health condition. (If you can't find
someone who knows, you can still report the bullying but can't say
anything about your friend having HIV.)

State and federal laws like the Americans with Disabilities Act
protect the rights of people living with HIV — including the right to
participate in school activities and sports. Your friend will have to
take precautions to avoid infection and may have to limit some
activities depending on how he or she is feeling, but there is no reason
to miss out on the fun.Other Things You Can Do



Keep it real, but keep it positive. It can help to
talk about the future and to make plans in a realistic, compassionate
way. Don't shrug off your friend's fears or concerns about things like
medication, nutrition, sex, marriage, illness, or even death. Instead,
try to offer realistic, specific examples of famous people who are
living with HIV. (No examples come to mind? Search online.)

If your friend is forgetful, figure out if you can help him or her to
manage medications and medical appointments. Sometimes the best thing
to do might be the simplest — perhaps your friend just wants to catch a
movie and forget about it all for a while.

Offer specific, practical support. "If there's
anything I can do..." is a nice thing to say. But the more specific the
offer is, the better. Bring homework to your friend if he or she has to
miss school for a medical appointment. If illness keeps your friend
home, consider setting up a special page on a social network site so he
or she can stay in touch with classmates. Visit your friend and bring
joke books, Mad Libs (remember those?), comedy DVDs, weird little toys —
anything you think your friend would like.

Take Care of Yourself



To care for your friend, you need to care for yourself. It can be
hard having a friend who has to deal with a chronic illness. You might
feel afraid when your friend is sick, for example, or stressed out if
you spend a lot of time standing up for your friend. You might even
struggle with the temptation to pull back from your friendship from time
to time so you can avoid the uncomfortable feelings you have. But your
friend needs you now more than ever.

So what should you do?

First, don't try to brush off your emotions — especially difficult
ones. Try to think a bit about what you're feeling. You'll feel sadness,
of course, and maybe fear or anger. You might not even know what you're
feeling. Or you may not connect difficult emotions with what your
friend is going through.

Of course, you don't want to burden your friend with your feelings.
But you need support, too. Try to find someone you can turn to, like a
parent or school counselor. If your friend has siblings, spend time with
them. They probably feel a lot of the same things and you can help each
other through. Once you have a way of dealing with your own feelings,
it will be easier not to let them get in the way of being a good friend.

The two most important things you can do for your friend are to be
there for support in whatever way feels natural and to keep your
friend's HIV diagnosis private. Just being there when needed can help
remind your friend that the fun, creative, smart, surprising person you
love just happens to have a virus called HIV.