Death and Grief



People React Emotionally and Physically



When coping with a death, you may go through all kinds of emotions.
You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or
confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty,
exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or
deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced
before.

Some people find they have trouble concentrating, studying, sleeping,
or eating when they're coping with a death. Others lose interest in
activities they used to enjoy. Some people lose themselves in playing
computer games or eat or drink to excess. And some people feel numb, as
if nothing has happened.

All of these are normal ways to react to a death.

What Is Grief?



When we have emotional, physical, and spiritual reactions in response
to a death or loss, it's known as grief or grieving. People who are
grieving might:

• feel strong emotions, such as sadness and anger
  
• have physical reactions, such as not sleeping or even waves of nausea
  
• have spiritual reactions to a death — for example, some people find
  themselves questioning their beliefs and feeling disappointed in their
  religion while others find that they feel more strongly than ever about
  their faith
  

The grieving process takes time and healing usually happens
gradually. The intensity of grief may be related to how sudden or
predictable the loss was and how you felt about the person who died.

Some people write about grief happening in stages, but usually it
feels more like "waves" or cycles of grief that come and go depending on
what you are doing and if there are triggers for remembering the person
who has died.Different Ways of Grieving



If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such as a parent,
brother, or sister, you may feel cheated out of time you wanted to have
with that person. It can also feel hard to express your own grief when
other family members are grieving, too.

Some people may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about the
person who died because they worry that it may make a parent or other
family member sad. It's also natural to feel some guilt over a past
argument or a difficult relationship with the person who died.

We don't always grieve over the death of another person. The death of a beloved pet
can trigger strong feelings of grief. People may be surprised by how
painful this loss can be. But the loving bonds we share with pets are
real, and so are the feelings of loss and grief when they die.

All of these feelings and reactions are OK — but what can people do
to get through them? How long does grief last? Will things ever get back
to normal? And how will you go on without the person who has died?Coping With Grief



Just as people feel grief in many different ways, they handle it differently, too.

Some people reach out for support from others and find comfort in
good memories. Others become very busy to take their minds off the loss.
Some people become depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of
the way to avoid the places or situations that remind them of the
person who has died.



For some people, it can help to talk about the loss with others. Some
do this naturally and easily with friends and family, while others talk
to a professional therapist.

Some people may not feel like talking about it much at all because
it's hard to find the words to express such deep and personal emotion or
they wonder whether talking will make them feel the hurt more. This is
fine, as long you find other ways to deal with your pain.

People sometimes deal with their sorrow by engaging in dangerous or
self-destructive activities. Doing things like drinking, drugs, or
cutting yourself to escape from the reality of a loss may seem to numb
the pain, but the feeling is only temporary. This isn't really dealing
with the pain, only masking it, which makes all those feelings build up
inside and only prolongs the grief.

If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel like hurting
yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell someone you trust about how you
feel.What to Expect



It may feel like it might be impossible to recover after losing
someone you love. But grief does get gradually better and become less
intense as time goes by. To help get through the pain, it can help to
know some of the things you might expect during the grieving process.

The first few days after someone dies can be intense, with people
expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying, comforting each other, and
gathering to express their support and condolences to the ones most
affected by the loss. It is common to feel as if you are "going crazy"
and feel extremes of anxiety, panic, sadness, and helplessness. Some
people describe feeling "unreal," as if they're looking at the world
from a faraway place. Others feel moody, irritable, and resentful.

Family and friends often participate in rituals that may be part of
their religious, cultural, community, or family traditions, such as
memorial services, wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people
get through the first days after a death and honor the person who died.
People might spend time together talking and sharing memories about
their loved one. This may continue for days or weeks following the loss
as friends and family bring food, send cards, or stop by to visit.

Many times, people show their emotions during this time. But
sometimes a person can be so shocked or overwhelmed by the death that he
or she doesn't show any emotion right away — even though the loss is
very hard. And it's not uncommon to see people smiling and talking with
others at a funeral, as if something sad had not happened. But being
among other mourners can be a comfort, reminding us that some things
will stay the same.

Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving end, people
might feel like they should be "over it" because everything seems to
have gone back to normal. When those who are grieving first go back to
their normal activities, it might be hard to put their hearts into
everyday things. Many people go back to doing regular things after a few
days or a week. But although they may not talk about their loss as
much, the grieving process continues.

It's natural to continue to have feelings and questions for a while
after someone dies. It's also natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A
lot depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to feel grief
for days, weeks, or even longer, depending on how close you were to the
person who died.

No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do
it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some
people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never
enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a
loss.Caring for Yourself



The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It can help you to
cope if you take care of yourself in certain small but important ways.
Here are some that might help:

• Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know that you can (and will) heal over time.
  
• Participate in rituals. Memorial services, funerals, and other traditions help people get through the first few days and honor the person who died.
  
• Be with others. Even informal gatherings of family
  and friends bring a sense of support and help people not to feel so
  isolated in the first days and weeks of their grief.
  
• Talk about it when you can. Some people find it
  helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about their feelings.
  Sometimes a person doesn't feel like talking, and that's OK, too. No one
  should feel pressured to talk.
  
• Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like
  talking, find ways to express your emotions and thoughts. Start writing
  in a journal about the memories you have of the person you lost and how
  you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem, or tribute about
  your loved one. You can do this privately or share it with others.
  
• Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if you need to.
  
• Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or you may not feel hungry, but your body still needs nutritious foods.
  
• Join a support group. If you think you may be
  interested in attending a support group, ask an adult or school
  counselor about how to become involved. The thing to remember is that
  you don't have to be alone with your feelings or your pain.
  
• Let your emotions be expressed and released. Don't
  stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel one coming on. Don't
  worry if listening to particular songs or doing other activities is
  painful because it brings back memories of the person that you lost;
  this is common. After a while, it becomes less painful.
  
• Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or
  garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way, such as running
  in a charity run or walk (a breast cancer race, for example) in honor of
  the lost loved one.
  
• Getting Help for Intense Grief
  
  
  
  If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the death of your
  loved one, you may want to reach out for help. If grief has turned into
  depression, it's very important to tell someone.
  
  How do you know if your grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs:
  
• You've been grieving for 4 months or more and you aren't feeling any better.
  
• You feel depressed.
  
• Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't go on with your normal activities.
  
• Your grief is affecting your ability to concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally do.
  
• You feel you can't go on living after the loss or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting yourself.
  

It's natural for loss to cause people to think about death to some
degree. But if a loss has caused you to think about suicide or hurting
yourself in some way, or if you feel that you can't go on living, it's
important that you tell someone right away.

Counseling with a professional therapist can help because it allows
you to talk about your loss and express strong feelings. Many counselors
specialize in working with teens who are struggling with loss and
depression. If you'd like to talk to a therapist and you're not sure
where to begin, ask an adult or school counselor. Your doctor may also
be able to recommend someone.Will I Ever Get Over This?



Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving person they
need to "move on" after a loss. Unfortunately, that type of advice can
sometimes make people hesitant to talk about their loss or make them
think they're grieving inappropriately or for too long, or that they're
not normal. It can help to remember that the grieving process is very
personal and individual — there's no right or wrong way to grieve. We
all take our own time to heal.

It's important for grieving people not to drop out of life, though.
If you don't like the idea of moving on, maybe the idea of "keeping on"
seems like a better fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just
keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel sad, let yourself
have your feelings and try not to run away from your emotions. But also
keep on doing things you normally would such as being with friends,
caring for your pet, working out, or doing your schoolwork.

Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean forgetting about
the person you lost. Getting back to enjoying your life doesn't mean you
no longer miss your loved one. And how long it takes until you start to
feel better isn't a measure of how much you loved the person.

With time, the loving support of family and friends, and your own
positive actions, you can find ways to cope with even the deepest loss.